...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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