I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
