Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
