I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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