I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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