I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
