So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
