If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Randomize
