All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
