Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
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