When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
