so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
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