Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
