i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Picture Ja Rule and 50 Cent having a sexy full grown love child son...He's on my bus right now, wearing an outside jacket with no shirt underneath. My fashion sense and libido are fighting it out.I'll keep you posted on who wins.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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