i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
