I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
