Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
drinking out of a sandbucket again
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Randomize
