Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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