I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
