sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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