Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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