They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
