There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
