Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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