I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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