Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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