Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
