I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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