Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
