Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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