my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
