The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Damn victory sex feels great
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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