You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
