we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Pants are for mortals
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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