he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
