my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
