my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
