My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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