____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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