hotel room ftw
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
