I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Never underestimate the power of titties
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
