You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
