So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
