i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
