I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
