just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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