there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
lol hangovers are for mortals.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
