ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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