I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
