it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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